Treat Dating like Interviewing for a Job and Check References!!!
The Orthodox Jewish Dating scene revolves largely around suggestions from matchmakers (known as ‘shadchanim’), so it is particularly common for Jewish singles to do reference checking to determine if a certain person makes sense for them to date, and hopefully marry.
SawYouAtSinai.com , an online Jewish Dating service, strongly encourages reference checking.
Here are some standard questions to ask references,
1. How long have you known this person? Are you still in contact with him/her?
2. Have you ever met his/her family? What is his relationship like with them?
3. Do some fact checking by asking if the information provided in his/her profile is correct. For example, if the potential match wrote down that this reference was his teacher in a certain school, ask if the reference if he/she attended this school.
4. Does the person have something in his/her medical history that is important to know?
5. Does he/she have friends? What type of people does he/she like to spend time with?
6. If the reference is a friend, what kind of friend is he/she?
7. If the reference is a teacher or rabbi, what kind of student was he/she?
8. Is the person more ambitious and conscientious or laid-back and flexible?
9. Does the person in question have any long-term goals or career plans that you are aware of?
10. What is this person’s perspective on relocating? Is he/she settled on living in a certain area or has he/she expressed an interest in moving?
11. If not covered in the profile, what is the extent of the person’s religious observance and beliefs?
12. Is this person more stubborn and set in his/her ways or is he/she more growth-oriented and open-minded?
13. What is the first word that comes to your mind when you want to describe him/her? What do you admire most about this person?
14. Do you know what he/she is looking for in a match? If it turns out you are not at all what he is looking for in a match, you should ask the matchmaker to clarify this with him/her so neither of you waste each other’s time.
15. Are you aware if the person is involved in any volunteer work?
16. If there are any physical or other personality traits that turn you off, make sure to inquire whether the person has them or not. It is important to be honest with yourself and risk sounding superficial rather than to date someone that you already know from the beginning that you won’t be attracted to. At the same time, make sure your expectations are realistic – do you really need someone who is 5’’11 when you are 5”0? And yes, it is always inappropriate to ask about someone’s dress size!
17. After the first date follow up with your matchmaker. If your date revealed a certain piece of information or if you noticed a certain behavior that you would like some clarification on, then discuss if you or the matchmaker needs to look further into a reference before proceeding.
Interviewing and dating are one in the same: both are enjoyable and terrifying in equal measure, both are filled with nerves, possibilities and ‘what ifs’ and, most importantly for graduate job seekers, both require a particular kind of etiquette.
Here are 8 interview lessons you can learn from the world of dating:
Why? Three reasons:
● It will bring in to question your ability to work with others. Even if your manager was the devil incarnate - how can your interviewer know that it wasn't in fact you who was at fault?
● It will make your interviewer think that it’s in your nature to bad mouth those in authority over you. As your interviewer may well be your future manager - this isn't something they’ll be looking for!
● It implies you feel you know better than your previous manager, and no one likes an arrogant so and so!
If you come across as desperate it will look as though other employers don’t want you and this leaves your interviewer asking why. What is it about you that others don’t like?
Be confident and even if you are desperate for the job, don’t show it. Talk about why you want the position, rather than why you need it.
Can you see yourself working there? Would you fit into the office culture? Would you want to work with your interviewer? Will you get to use the skills you want to?
‘Erm..OK..that’s nice.’
Whether on a date or in an interview, the person sitting opposite you will not want to know that they have competition!
As far as an employer is concerned they want to know that you are passionate about working for them and for only them!
On a date, you might want to keep schtum about your penchant for solo midnight feasts - or whatever it is that takes your fancy! Likewise in an interview.
For instance, if you’re asked about why you didn't achieve the degree grade you wanted or why you didn't hit a certain target in an internship, always focus on what you learnt from the experience and what you’ll know for your next challenge, rather than the fact that you didn't succeed.
You don’t love fishing. You've been fishing once and you can honestly say that it was the most boring 4 hours of your life.
As in the dating domain, within an interview you should try to avoid those little white lies. It’s tricky to be 100% ‘scouts honour’ truthful when under the gaze of a prospective employer, but if you're caught fibbing you probably won’t get the job anyway, so best to be upfront and honest.
This classic dating advice rings just as true for interviews - be interested in what the other person is saying and ask questions! But keep them professional of course.
As in the world of dating, there are certain questions you should and shouldn't ask.
‘What will be salary be?’ , ‘How much holiday would I be entitled to?’ or ‘When could I expect my first promotion?’are classic ones
1. Don't bad mouth your ex.
Talking about failed relationships is a well known faux pas in the world of dating. Likewise in the interview room, don’t ever speak ill of your past employer or manager!Why? Three reasons:
● It will bring in to question your ability to work with others. Even if your manager was the devil incarnate - how can your interviewer know that it wasn't in fact you who was at fault?
● It will make your interviewer think that it’s in your nature to bad mouth those in authority over you. As your interviewer may well be your future manager - this isn't something they’ll be looking for!
● It implies you feel you know better than your previous manager, and no one likes an arrogant so and so!
2. Be keen, but not desperate.
‘I know we only met last week, and I don’t want to seem too keen, but I think you might be the one..’If you come across as desperate it will look as though other employers don’t want you and this leaves your interviewer asking why. What is it about you that others don’t like?
Be confident and even if you are desperate for the job, don’t show it. Talk about why you want the position, rather than why you need it.
3. Know what you're looking for in a partner.
Believe it or not, interviewing is a two way street. Yes, you are there to be assessed but you are also there to do some assessing of your own.Can you see yourself working there? Would you fit into the office culture? Would you want to work with your interviewer? Will you get to use the skills you want to?
4. Don’t talk about others you are interested in, or who are interested in you.
‘Last week I went on a date with this girl and she was AMAZING.’‘Erm..OK..that’s nice.’
Whether on a date or in an interview, the person sitting opposite you will not want to know that they have competition!
As far as an employer is concerned they want to know that you are passionate about working for them and for only them!
5. Show off your best points.
'Then there was the night I ate an entire cheesecake...'On a date, you might want to keep schtum about your penchant for solo midnight feasts - or whatever it is that takes your fancy! Likewise in an interview.
For instance, if you’re asked about why you didn't achieve the degree grade you wanted or why you didn't hit a certain target in an internship, always focus on what you learnt from the experience and what you’ll know for your next challenge, rather than the fact that you didn't succeed.
6. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not.
‘You love fishing? Oh my goodness, I LOVE fishing! What are the chances, eh?!’You don’t love fishing. You've been fishing once and you can honestly say that it was the most boring 4 hours of your life.
As in the dating domain, within an interview you should try to avoid those little white lies. It’s tricky to be 100% ‘scouts honour’ truthful when under the gaze of a prospective employer, but if you're caught fibbing you probably won’t get the job anyway, so best to be upfront and honest.
7. Ask questions…
‘Did I tell you about the time I went to Turkey in 2007? Boy, have I got some stories about that holiday!’This classic dating advice rings just as true for interviews - be interested in what the other person is saying and ask questions! But keep them professional of course.
8. … the right questions!
‘So how long were you with your last boyfriend? What happened there then?'As in the world of dating, there are certain questions you should and shouldn't ask.
‘What will be salary be?’ , ‘How much holiday would I be entitled to?’ or ‘When could I expect my first promotion?’are classic ones
to leave OUT of the interview room.
So, there you have it - 8 reasons your interview will be like a first date. Better get some practice in! (Interviews that is, not dates, although sure go ahead with that too).
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